you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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