the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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