the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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