If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wear drunk well.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
