I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize