I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
