I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
