Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
