I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
either way he was missing a nipple.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
