Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
