i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
