I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
