I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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