sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
