My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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