and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I could fuck to npr.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
