i just wanna soil my oats bro
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My breasts were aching with rage.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
