i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize