I'm so fucking centered right now
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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