I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
