I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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