Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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