she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize