Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
