I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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