I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
