Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
