i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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