I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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