I'm gonna have a badass scar
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
