But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
bring money and cleavage
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
