woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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