hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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