you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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