Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
