Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
