So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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