Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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