Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
