I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
