Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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