he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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