There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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