I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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