who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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