So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
