This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
