I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
