I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize