drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
