Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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