I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
