so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
