someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
