Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
