I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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