hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
