You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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