What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
