new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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