Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
