Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
