this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
