My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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