I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
