ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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